By Amber Bradley | Editor-in-Chief | TalkLPnews
The micromanager, the unapproachable, the unapproachable, the resistant to change, the no-feedback stoic, and everyone’s favorite: the avoids accountability while playing favorites. There’s so many potential characteristics of a bad boss. If you’re lucky, you haven’t experienced someone with all of these, but most certainly you’ve had a boss with some of them.
What do you do? How do you handle dealing with a less-than-ideal boss in a career that you love? Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries is the author of Narcissistic Leadership: Narcissus on the Couch, and recently described several strategies for dealing with this exact situation.
First, Manfred suggests that we understand it’s in our power to improve a bad situation. We must take responsibility for what we can do to improve our relationship with said boss and guess what that process starts with? Yep. Empathy. As I’ve learned in my years of executing training programs – empathy is essentially one of the keys to life. In this instance, it’s about trying to understand that your boss is under external pressure too. They might not be acting this way just because of you or a perceived personality clash. They might also have something going on in their personal lives or within their own personal hierarchy. Neuroscience suggests that if you work on empathizing with your boss, chances are he or she will start empathizing with you.
The action: Look for the right moment to deliver a display of empathy in an informal setting (over a business dinner or coffee).
Next, look at yourself. I know, right. C’mon Manfred – can’t we just blame the other person and keep complaining? Nope, we’re professionals’ folks. Start with looking inward and truly access your own personality toward your boss – what might cause your personalities to clash? Manfred describes “transferential figures” meaning, you subconsciously see your boss as someone in your past and it brings up unproductive feelings or actions within you. For instance, your boss reminds you of this bully that bothered you in high school. Once you try to understand any transference you might be having, it will be easier to step back from the situation and potentially handle it better.
The action: Take a hard look internally to discover if you might be relating your boss to construct in your past.
Finally, (and it’s a scary one) observe and seek advice from colleagues who work successfully with your boss. If you try to understand your boss’ quirks, hot buttons, and preferences from your colleague’s point of view, it may help bring a new perspective to your interactions.
The action: Be careful if you choose to approach colleagues to make sure you’re phrasing your questions carefully so it’s not misconstrued as talking crap about your boss. For instance if you always feel interrupted in meetings, Manfred suggests trying something like, “How do you know whether to speak up or not? How can you tell when the boss does or doesn’t want input?”
If all this fails, it’s time for the talk – whether it’s with your boss, or human resources or with your partner or spouse about moving on from your company. Manfred makes it clear if you decide to go to HR you better have a well-documented business case for why your boss is a liability. But given the potential for unknown internal politics, lodging a formal complaint should be considered a last resort.
Disclaimer: It was about 12 years ago that I started my own company because I didn’t like “bosses” and being treated unfairly – so admittedly I did none of the above well back then. However, Manfred’s suggestions ring true to me in so many other aspects of life when dealing with difficult people or situations. The bottom-line is you are the creator of your own happiness. Take ownership. You’re too valuable to be miserable!